Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed

Lance Carbuncle / May 25, 2019

Smashed Squashed Splattered Chewed Chunked and Spewed Idjit Galoot has a problem He escaped from his master s house for a brief romp around town seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans When he returns

  • Title: Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed
  • Author: Lance Carbuncle
  • ISBN: 9781602640436
  • Page: 249
  • Format: Paperback
  • Idjit Galoot has a problem He escaped from his master s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, ChunkeIdjit Galoot has a problem He escaped from his master s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot s ne er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves Along the way, Idjit s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b list poopie groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape.

    Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot s ne er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves Along the way, Idjit s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b list poopie groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida Skunk Ape. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed He escaped from his master s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans When he returns to his house, the aged basset hound discovers that his master has packed up their belongings and moved to Florida without him Smashed, Squashed, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed by Lance Carbuncle Idjit Galoot has a problem He escaped from his master s house for a brief romp around town, seeking out easy targets such as bitches in heat, fresh roadkill and unguarded garbage cans. Lance Carbuncle Author of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered Lance Carbuncle QA members last activity Aug , PM Lance Carbuncle and The Next Best Book group bring you a question and answer session with Lance Carbuncle, author of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Ch Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot s ne er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves eBay Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed. Lance Carbuncle Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed by Lance Carbuncle is a digital EPUB ebook for direct download to PC, Mac, Notebook, Tablet, iPad, iPhone, Smartphone, eReader but not for Kindle A DRM capable reader equipment is required. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed audible Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot s ne er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves Along the way Idjit s owner encounters Christian terrorists, swamp dwelling taxidermists, carnies, a b list poopie groupie, bluesmen on the run from a trickster deity, and the Florida skunk ape. Smashwords Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed Carbuncle s first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, and his recently released Grundish and Askew are sold through and Barnesandnoble More reviews of Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, and Grundish and Askew can be found on and Barnesandnoble. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed audible Written by Lance Carbuncle, narrated by Kailaan The Soliloquy Man Carter Download and keep this book for Free with a day Trial. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and SMASHED, SQUASHED, SPLATTERED, CHEWED, CHUNKED AND SPEWED Idjit Galoot has a problem Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot s ne er do well owner and his efforts to work his way back to the dog that he loves Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of Idjit Galoot s ne er do well

    • [PDF] Download Ý Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed | by æ Lance Carbuncle
      249 Lance Carbuncle
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      Posted by:Lance Carbuncle
      Published :2018-011-11T00:02:42+00:00

    About "Lance Carbuncle"

      • Lance Carbuncle

        The Dr Reverend Lance Carbuncle was born sometime during the last millennium and he s been getting bigger, older and uglier ever since Carbuncle is an ordained minister with the Church of Spiritual Humanism Carbuncle doesn t eat deviled eggs and he doesn t drink cheap beer Carbuncle doesn t wear sock garters Carbuncle does tell stories Carbuncle s stories are channeled through a pathetic little man who has to work a respectable job during the days in order to feed the infestation of children in his house Carbuncle s first novel, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed, his award winning Grundish and Askew, Sloughing Off the Rot, and his recently released The Unmentionables are sold through and Barnesandnoble More reviews of Carbuncle s books can be found on and Barnesandnoble.


    887 Comments

    1. I love this book. I give it eight out of five stars. It is the funniest, most insightful, and most entertaining book ever written. The author is clearly a literary genius and a good-looking devil, too. Everyone should read Smashed. It should be required reading in our schools. Evil-doers should be beaten about the head and shoulders with this book. Lovers should read passages of it to each other for foreplay. This book prevents tooth decay and eternal damnation. It cures cold sores, psoriasis an [...]


    2. Without a doubt, this is the most incredible road trip ever.  I have never experienced so many strange situations and eccentric characters in the course of one book.  This author knows what he's doing.  Not once does the pace lag, and the peculiarities are fresh and endlessly entertaining.  I am very impressed with Lance Carbuncle's ability to pull this story over the edge without ever crashing.   A man is in search of his beloved best friend, his dog named Idjit Galoot.  There are m [...]


    3. It should have been simple enough - drive a moving van to Florida WITHOUT wreaking any havoc on the way, BUT when part of your cargo is a taxidermied old dude dressed for every conceivable holiday, you're bound to hit a snag or twoThis was a hilarious, deceptively simple fable about a man struggling to reunite with his best pal.In addition to a heartwarming story, we're also treated to nifty little footnote factoids about turkey vultures, jackalopes and foreskins. The book also contains my favor [...]


    4. The anti-hero in Carbuncle’s book, SMASHED etc is a 35 year old metal head who lives in his mother’s basement and doesn’t work because some drug experiment has rendered him mentally incapable. Let the hilarity begin The problem with most comic novels is that they tend to be, well, not funny. This isn’t the case with SMASHED. The main character goes from one ridiculous situation to the next and manages to make it somehow believable. The narrative voice is what made this book so enjoyable [...]


    5. This is a hilarious debute novel about a 30-something year old guy, messed up from years of drug use, who lives at home with his mom, his catarac-inflicted, nose repelling, lumpy bodied basset hound, and his stuffed Daddy, and the amazingly action-packed road trip he embarks upon.Madness. Mayhem. Hitchhiking Christian Terrorists. Crazy Pedros. An exploding sombrero. Ziplocked frozen poo. A Clubfoot musician who never stops playing his guitar. And his faithful dog Idjit, relaying important inform [...]


    6. That waswild. Lance Carbuncle's newest audibook is a Gonzoesque, Jodorowskian surreal road novel that stretches all the way to Florida, otherwise known as the butt-end of America. More important, (part of) this story is about the meaning that pets take in lonely people's lives. The narrator of this book with a title too long to be repeated is a middle-aged metalhead living on disabilities because of an MDMA trip turned bad and seeks human contact beyond his mother's with an intensity so despaire [...]


    7. Usually I don't like books containing (i) dreams, (ii) pets and (iii) talking animals. So why four stars and not the minus three stars it deserves according to these rules? Because (i) the pet only appears in dreams, (ii) the pet (sometimes) speaks in a scottish accent and (iii) for the first time I got a plausible explanation for the term "defenestration".


    8. Lance Carbuncle's lunatic genius is on brilliant display in this book, which has one of my favourite covers ever. (My kids also really enjoyed my pantomime explanation of what "spewed" meant -- thanks, Lance.)Bassett Hound Idjit Galoot (my husband's new nickname, BTW) has run off right when his owner has packed up to move to Florida. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the story of the owner's quest to find his beloved dog.And what a quest it is -- along the way he encou [...]


    9. It's the timeless story of a man and his relationship with his mutt; however, along the way, the protagonist must deal with the likes of Florida Spunk Ape (an ape with a massive erection), Christian terrorists, a hurricane, the not so righteous hand of the law, and his own withering spirit.The book mixes the outrageous and the irreverent with humorous low brow stuff so masterful and nuanced it ends up doing handstand and becoming highbrow; no joke, the book manages to weave the vile, disturbed, [...]


    10. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed is the most surreal, humorously disgusting book I have read this year, and that's saying a lot since I read about a lot of government conspiracies. Carbuncle does such a good job with the oddly fascinating South of the Border that by the middle of the book I was aching to be a Pablo. It was riveting, like Twin Peaks with a lot of extra bodily fluids and bad smells. The cast of misfits in this book will stay in my mind for years to come an [...]


    11. This was insane in the best way possible. And the way it's written makes every demented situation seem so real, it's even crazier. And I know crazy. Loved the references, loved the footnotes (I'd dare to say there are not enough of them) and I loved every single character. There's not much else I can say, it's fucking perfect.


    12. What I learned from this book:-- Never express a basset hound's anal glands.-- Never accept a gift of feces from a nymphomaniac.-- Be circumspect when shipping human remains on Interstate 75.-- Avoid Florida entirely.-- A dog is a man's best friend.


    13. This book rocked. It really was one of the funniest books I have ever read. I pretty much tore through this since it was impossible to put down. The narrator in this book has one of the craziest adventures I've ever read, and I couldn't stop laughing throughout the entire thing. At the same time, I was surprised to find how oddly touching the story turned out to be.I mean really, how awesome is it to find references to skullets, mud-butt, and Chuck Liddell all in one book? Now that's perfection [...]


    14. In a time when people see through their ears and think with their emotions, a view through the fractured looking glass is all the more welcome. Carbuncle delivers in high Tsunami form as he stomps, swaggers, and sways into the limelight with the bitches in tow and the balls of a sumo sailor. And how he does this with the absolute simplicity of a true master is achieved by the simplest and most expedient of means: humor. When we meet the main character we are mildly impressed by his seemly unimpr [...]


    15. Of all days for the dog to get out. Idjit Galoot, the senescent bassett hound, chooses Moving Day to slip his leash and go Walkabout. Now he's wondering where everybody's gone, and his charmingly dysfunctional master, whose sole focus heretofore has been getting high, watching TV, and diggin' Judas Priest and Iron Maiden, is galvanized into action. Find that dog! How hard can *that* be?In the classic tradition of dark satire from Gulliver to Billy Pilgrim, from Curious George to Candy, the namel [...]


    16. I didn't know what to think of the Book when i got it and i kinda put off reading it for a while although i don't know why. I seriously think its one of my favourite books of the year and its hard to say why without spoiling the book but its just awesome from start to finish. It reminded me alot of fear and loathing in las vegas and pretty much every road trip movie/book going it has that same feeling of they're never going get what they want in the end but you'll go along for the ride anyways. [...]


    17. This is one truly hysterical fucked up fantasy that bastardizes not only the Western ideal of heaven but the many indigenous beliefs of the rural South. No one escapes from this ingenious novel unscathed. The protagonist is an eternal man-child, Peter Pan in an era of petty crime, cannabis, and casual sex, on a self-appointed mission to rescue his fur covered, flea bitten, loyal and loving best friend from wherever he may be. His buddy, a dog too old to possibly still be continent, escaped on th [...]


    18. I knew I'd love this from the opening paragraph of the foreword. What follows is a mash up of Kerouac, Bukowski, Hunter S Thompson, and the fevered opium dreams of a howling lunatic. There are riffs on Blue Velvet, a just summation of Dio's role in Sabbath, a guideline for the correct way to deal with posers who pretend to like albums they've never heard, a giant exploding sombrero, and a zip-lock collection of scat that has forever rendered the word 'Meatball' both repulsive and hilarious to me [...]


    19. Dear Rev. Carbuncle: First, your books always make me laugh and crave meatless meat byproducts shaped like tiny wieners and come in pop-top cans. Second, if you grace me with my very own PEDRO name, I promise to make a custom T-shirt, and post a picture of me wearing it. T-shirts are walking billboards, some tell gospel truths, some get you arrested for staring, or stalking, or both. I guarantee that my PEDRO-tee will be half advert, half pervert, and 1000000% awesome. Perhaps I could include a [...]


    20. Some things that are funnier than almost everything else:BassethoundsOld BluesmenElvisThe SasquatchSouth of the Border (the pseudoMexican tourist trap)The American SouthLance Carbuncle without being just completely dismissive of the South gives us a cool and scathing road trip through it's twists and turns. Full of colorful, weird characters, lawbreaking shenanigans and insights into existential confusion, Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed delivers. Reminiscent of the fil [...]


    21. It's an awesome book for anyone who loves (and understands) Basset-Hounds & Iron Maiden. And weird situations, of course, because there are lots of them!! :) Like the thing with Bruce Dickinson's (gentlemen's) poop it is the strangest thing I've ever read! :)))) (I'm curious to know if he read it - I'm sure he would say: bloody hell!)Oh, by the way, I wouldn't want to be a translator for this book. :D


    22. this book is and action-packed soiree of blood,guts,nuts,mythological mayhem. I went into this book blind and crippled but now I can see and tap dance. read it with both eyes and when you've finished it stick it in a food blender and inject its liquid version into your jugular. I really want some of dem griddled taters!!


    23. You'll never look at hash browns in the same way again When you see a title like "Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked and Spewed", you're almost afraid to read the book. Afraid that the story might live up to the somewhat revolting imagery that its title implies. As a matter of fact, Lance Carbuncle's title is almost a challenge. "I dare you to read this book!"And so I did, not being one to back down when challenged. And the book delivers on its promise. At times I actually did throw [...]


    24. Lance Carbuncle is a natural. I can't wait for his next novel. It may sound like an impossible feat for a 35 year old, unemployed, unmarried guy to morph into a hero(of sorts) within 266 pages, but Mr. Carbuncle knows what he's doing. Flaming sombreros, spewing vultures, and stuffed relatives aside, there is an underlying epic feel to the storytelling, plenty of fun-facts lingering in the footnotes, and enough crude humor to fill a freezer with This one belongs on the shelf between Christopher M [...]


    25. Man, was this one fun to read! You could say it's a story about a man and his dog, but it is much more. This was a read that took no effort on my part. I was pulled in right away and stayed there until the end. In the book, everyday banter has more to it, and everyday situations become extraordinary, even mystical at times. The best part about this is how it is done. You never get the feeling that the author is trying too hard to get there. I give bonus points also for the cool footnotes. Yes, I [...]


    26. This book made me laugh so hard that I got kicked out of bed. I don't know of any higher praise I could give it than that. If you're not interested in canine spirit guides, clubfooted blues musicians, exploding sombreros, people who keep the frozen poop of rockstars in their freezers, trying to escape a hurricane in a weinermobile or French-Canadian women and the skunk apes that love them, then this is probably not the book for you. Then again, if none of the above interests you, you may want to [...]


    27. odd, grotesque, and perverse at times, but not overly - Carbuncle does a great job mixing the bizarre with a classic folk road trip tale to come up with a very humorous and entertaining novel. Genre-wise this sits on the edqe of Bizarro sub-genre of speculative fiction and general comedy, if bizarro interests you I recommend Carbuncle's Sloughing Off the Rot published a few years ofter this one - it's a true bizarro classic.


    28. The author asked me to write a blurb. This is it: ""Like On the Road as seen through the prism of a carnival sideshow."


    29. Smashed, Squashed, Splattered, Chewed, Chunked, and Spewed was sent to me by Lance Carbuncle, the author, after he offered to send them (FOR FREE!)to people to review them for him. I am a complete whore for anything free. Ask my collection of found McDonald's toys. Ask my Mexican cartoon cactus with a Bible verse on the back. Ask the plastic fetus hanging by a shoelace from my doorknob. I love free shit.Anyway, so I received SSSCC&S in the mail a few days ago. I stopped reading Infinite Jest [...]


    30. The story of an ill used and self destructive man and his overwhelming need to reach his lost dog Smashed is filled with colorful characters reminiscent of those in a Harry Crews novel. Well written and brimming with gonzo adventures the book never lets up and satisfies the reader's desire for something fresh and funny without taking itself too seriously. A road trip story gone mad Carbuncle's book offers the literary equivalent of a palate cleanser, clearing away the random disappointments left [...]


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